I have a confession to make: I’m fat.

I always have been, I always will be. It’s just a fact of life. I’m 40, and I’m ok with it. No matter how much weight I gain or lose, no matter how many miles I run, I’ll always be fat. And most of the time that makes shopping for clothes suck.

Now, don’t get me wrong, my Lane Bryant days are far behind me. There were years in the size 18s, but those days are long gone. I’ve been floating between a 12 and 14 for more than a decade. And I’m probably one of  few people in the world that can say they are in better shape and smaller at 40 than the day they graduated high school. So trust me, I’m not bitching here.

But there is always a fear when buying clothes – especially ones that are a number smaller than usual. Maybe skinny girls like that feeling — “I really wish they had this in a size 0, the 2 is just too big”. Barf. Fat girls don’t think like that – we like to pretend we do, but really we are thinking “I know the 10 fits, but when I gain the weight back….” We secretly hoard our fat clothes because we KNOW that its coming back. Again.

So, yesterday I was in JC Penney trying to freshen up my spring wardrobe and cash in some credit card rewards. I tried on clothes for almost 2 hours straight. It seemed as if every pair was caught between the size 12 Skinny jeans, and the size 14 Mom jeans. Every pair were accompanied by the same two thoughts:

1. “These size 12 jeans look great, but they are just a little snug. What happens if I stop running every day? Wil they still fit? Crap, do they give me a Muffin Top? Really, I’m only going to have to buy them a size bigger next year when my weight comes back.”
2. “I can’t possibly spend money on these size 14 pants. Holy God, the ass on these things is huge.”

And there you have it – the internal conversation I debated with myself for 2 agonizing hours at the mall. In the end, I purchased 2 shirts and 2 pairs of shorts, but probably would have been just has happy and/or miserable if I had left with nothing.