Like Waterboarding, but Healthier.

It’s been a glorious summer. Really. But sometimes it’s easy to over-indulge. Really-effing-easy.

So, three years ago Dear Hubby and I started our annual summer cleanse. It’s a good way to keep from eating cookies-pudding-ice cream-and-pie desserts for the entire 70 days of summer break. In the past, we tried hormone drops; the grapefruit thingy; and high-fiber-shit-your-brains-out-cleaners. This year, we tried something new – a book based program that didn’t require any special drops, shakes, or supplements. Just raw (eg. non-processed) food. This may sound extreme, but really, if you think about the crap in our 21st century lifestyles, it’s good to rid yourself of the toxins.

We chose the Fast Metabolism Diet, by Haylie Pomroy. (You can Google it yourself, the WordPress Overloards get picky if put any links.) She talks about foods you must eat, foods you can eat, and foods you should never eat. In this 28 day program (note: yes, I still have 42 days of break to pig out), you eat different types of food on different days – varying from fruits and grains, proteins and veggies, and then healthy fats. It didn’t seem too complicated – but there would definitely be preparations required.

The rules: No caffeine, sugar, alcohol, corn, wheat, or dairy. I wasn’t sure which one of these was going to kill me – but I was pretty sure it would be one of the first three. Also, you have to drink half your body weight in ounces of water. So, let’s just ballpark that between 80-100 oz. per day.

By the end of the first day, Dear Hubby was complaining about headaches, suspected from the caffeine and sugar withdrawals. I thought I was going to be in the clear, and was really about to enter the most complicated move of my Superior Dance when my headaches started on the second day — and lasted for 2 weeks. I really don’t remember much else from the first week — with the exception of having to pee every 48 seconds. There was no way to even keep track of how many potty breaks I needed – just a blur. I did count, however, that one night I got up to use the bathroom 5 times. FIVE. CINCO. CINQ. FUMPF. A bit like torture, yes.

Not much else stands out from the program. Truth be told, we chose to ditch it at day 21 since we were going on vacation. I wasn’t going to spend a week in the Florida Keys eating cucumbers and jerky, while drinking water. Nope, sorry. Three weeks was plenty.

Oddly enough, I feel like crap now that I’ve returned to some of my normal habits. I dreamed for the last week about a cup of coffee – more of a habit withdrawal than a caffeine one. And when I finally got it — it just wasn’t that good. Not like a I remember. I felt like a failed heroine addict chasing the dragon one last time. I don’t know how I’m going to get through the absurdly early school mornings without coffee (7 a.m. faculty meeting, anyone?) – but I really don’t miss it now. I think I’ll just save some really good coffee for special occasions. And the 80 oz. of water per day? Just ask any teacher how coveted a bathroom break can be – but I’ll see what I can do.

Anyhoo – just my 2 cents.

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